April 1 (Fool’s Day) News

At a traditional Thursday morning press briefing Presidential Spokesperson Manana Manjgaladze made the following statement.

"Snap elections were held in Georgia yesterday, without the knowledge of President Saakashvili. As a result, the following changes have been made.

"The new President of Georgia is Katie Melua, who received 98.4% of the vote. She will take office on 30 June. President–elect Melua has appointed Tengiz Kitovani as her Prime Minister.

"The new Mayor of Tbilisi is Tea Tutberidze, winner of a catfight with Inga Grigolia under the St. George Statue in Freedom Square after both received exactly 50% of the vote. Ms. Grigolia announced her defection to Belgium after the result was declared.

"Kakha Bendukidze, the former Minister of Economy, has been elected Mayor of Tskhinvali. Russian troops have now left the occupied territories and President-elect Melua has received the surrender of Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Two million Russian prisoners of war, mostly female, will now be transferred to Georgia, which President-elect Melua has said will ease the country's demographic problem.

"Lake Lisi has declared its independence from Georgia. It is now known as the Republic of Shevardnadzia, and has asked outgoing President Saakashvili to become its dictator for life.

"Former Defence Minister Bacho Akhalaia has been appointed Georgian Ambassador to the United Nations. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has announced he is stepping down in favour of Akhalaia in order to join the Alliance for Georgia.

"Tbilisi has been awarded the 2012 Olympics in place of London, following the spate of murders which have been taking place during the Parliamentary elections in that city. The Olympic Village will be situated in Avlabari and the Presidential Palace and the Sulphur Baths have been made over for this purpose.

"Outgoing President Saakashvili has thanked the Georgian people for their unquestioning loyalty to his regime and released all 257,436 political prisoners as the final act of his Presidency."